A Horse with a Broken Leg

Part I

Damn it. Where did this rock even come from? Whatever, whatever, it is fine.

No, wait. My leg…

I think I might have hurt it a little, but it is probably nothing serious. How much damage can a simple rock even cause to my leg? It hurts a bit, but it will pass. It always passes. It is not like this is the first time I have fallen. Although honestly, I cannot remember it ever hurting this much. Maybe I should wait a bit. No, that will not work. Jack is nearby. He did not see me fall, but if he notices me standing still or limping, he will get suspicious.

The same thing happened with old Joseph. I never forget it. Poor horse tripped only once and Jack panicked so badly. Then he took him somewhere far away. At first I thought they took him for rest or to a vet, but when months passed and he still had not returned, I understood that the situation was serious.

Did they kill him? No. Jack loved him. He would never do something like that. At least I hope he did not.

Jack always treated us well. He had no one but us, so he spent his whole day with us. He never hurt us, not once. I have never felt a whip in my life, although the horses from the neighboring farms always tell me how their owners punish them. Whatever, I am delaying again. I should keep moving before Jack gets worried.

It hurts so much when I put weight on this leg, but I can endure it. I just need to make it home. I can rest there without drawing too much attention. Maybe I simply need a bit of sleep. I should stop exaggerating. It is just pain. Ah, it hurts a lot, though. Honestly, this is way worse than I expected. Damn it. Enough complaining. I am a strong horse. At least I should be. Jack always says I am strong and that he has never once seen me tired. If I start whining over something this simple, then what is the point of those words?

But it hurts. Every step feels like the bone is slicing through my skin, like a sharp knife is stuck in place of my leg. I keep leaning to the right because it reduces the pain on the left leg a little, but I should not make it too obvious. I am almost there. I just need to push through a bit more. Then I can finally stand still without stepping on this knife.

Even the cursed sun seems to have been waiting for this day. How is the weather this hot? It is summer, sure, but it has never felt like my entire body is burning. Whatever, I should stop complaining about everything. But it really hurts. At least I can be honest about that. Ah… I cannot forget Joseph crying. Did he feel this same pain? If he did, I finally understand him. But no, that cannot be. Joseph was strong. He never complained. I saw him endure so many things.

I was never like him. I always complained about everything. Not in front of Jack, of course. His expectations are high, so I tried to stay quiet near him, but the moment he left, I would start grumbling. I should do the same now. I should get a bit farther away and then I can cry as much as I want. For now I must endure.

Maybe the pain will go away by the time I reach home. Right, quietly. Right leg, left leg… ahh, it hurts, but I think I am doing well enough. No one can tell. Unless they look very closely, but I have given no reason for anyone to stare. I just need to continue. Eventually it will pass.

It did not pass.

Maybe I moved too much and slowed down the healing process. Maybe. But now I am in the stable. I can rest here as if nothing happened. I need some water. Then a good sleep. I remember Joseph once told me that a good sleep can solve anything. Oh, finally, water.

At least the sun is no longer my problem, and I can focus only on my leg. If I find a comfortable spot… yes, here. I will lie down a bit. Oh, this is better. Damn it, it still hurts, though. It feels like I am lying on knives instead of hay. Still, it is better than standing on my leg. After feeling the worst pain of my life, any other pain becomes more bearable, I guess. A little sleep will fix everything. I can feel it.

Ah, Joseph. I hope you found a good long sleep somewhere too. I am so tired. Lying near the water was a good idea. I can drink without moving too much.

But why am I even thinking about this? Once I wake up, the pain will be gone and I will not need this comfort anyway. I just need to close my eyes, think of something peaceful and rest. Everything will be alright. The pain will pass.

Why is it so hard to open my eyes? Wait, did the sun set or can I just not open them properly? That makes no sense. I closed my eyes only for a little while. At least that is how it felt. I never understand time well. I have made Jack panic so many times because of this. Sometimes I wander around without noticing how much time has passed, and suddenly Jack appears, shouting and laughing and scolding me at the same time.

I never understand what he says. I wish I could understand humans. Life would be so much easier. Their voices and actions often do not match. You cannot tell if you did something wrong or if they want something or if something else is going on.

Oh no. If I slept too long, Jack will think something happened to me and he will come check. I need to stand up and act normal.

Ah, my leg… How is this possible? It hurt less before. Then what was the point of sleeping? Joseph said it would help. So why is it worse now?

Maybe it is the sleep. Sometimes after waking up, everything feels strange, like I am in another horse’s body. It has happened before. But no, this is different. This does not feel like that.

What am I doing? If I stay here any longer, Jack will worry. Maybe he already saw me lying here in pain. If he did, he would not leave me alone. That means he has not seen me yet. So my act is still working. I need to keep pretending. At this hour I usually walk around the yard. I should do that. Though with this pain… I have no idea how long I can endure.

At least the sun is gone. It will not torture me like earlier.

Alright. Time to stand up. If I can.

One, two, three… Ahh… This difficulty is not a good sign. Whatever. I am standing. That is something.

The weather is nice today. At least there is something positive. I doubt I would have the strength to deal with heat again. I do not think I can even control my steps anymore. I might have been limping badly this whole time.

Jack still has not looked my way today. I do not know how to feel about that. On one hand, it helps me hide the pain. On the other hand, I do not even know why I am still hiding it. At first, I thought it was just a twisted leg. I thought sleep would fix it. I just did not want Jack to worry about nothing.

But now the pain is far worse than this morning. I no longer believe it will magically go away. Maybe I need more than rest now. Maybe I need care. Maybe even love.

If Jack would just come over and do something like “do not worry, everything will be fine”, even if I did not understand the words, I would feel so relieved.

I remember how he reacted when Joseph started hurting. He stayed with him for days. He even slept beside him. The first time I ever saw him do that.

But when it is me, no one cares…

To be honest, Joseph was a much better horse than me. Stronger, calmer, wiser. He beat me in almost everything. Yet he never looked down on me. He always helped me, always gave me advice.

Maybe that is why he mattered more to Jack.

We still do not know what happened to him, so maybe it is better for me not to know. I am sure Joseph found some way out of whatever he faced. I cannot imagine him losing to pain. But if he told me he had the same pain I have now and could not handle it, I would understand. This is a terrible pain. I have done nothing today, yet I feel like I lived the most exhausting day of my life.

Maybe the same thing that happened to Joseph is happening to me. And if that is true, then whatever happened to him will also happen to me.

The real question is this. Why did we never see him again? Maybe he… No. No, I refuse to think that. He was the strongest horse I ever knew. His experience cannot compare to mine.

These thoughts are more exhausting than the pain.

Damn you, Jack. Where are you? Why are you not checking on me? I am not asking for anything special. Just come and see me. Feel how much I am suffering. Help me in some way. The pain does not have to disappear. I just need someone to care. That alone would keep my hope alive.

Joseph was more important than me, yes, but does that mean I do not deserve even a little attention?

How can you ignore me like this, Jack?

I do not even have the strength to pretend anymore. I can barely walk while limping. And you are probably busy with something pointless.

Fine. This is my final decision. If you will not come to see my pain, then I will go show it to you myself.

I am coming. Unless the pain kills me before I get there.

Part II

Damn it. He fell badly. Whatever, whatever, he got back up, and that can count as a good sign. Still, his run looked confused and painful. He did not stop, though. If it really hurt, he would have stopped, right? I hope he did not realize that I saw him. If he did, I know he would act like nothing happened just to hide the pain from me. He has done this since he was a foal. I have no idea where he learned it from.

He probably just hit his leg on a rock. It will hurt for a bit and then pass.

Ah, Ronin, be careful, please. I do not want to lose you as well after losing Joseph.

Poor Joseph. I do not even know how he broke his leg like that. You could see the pain in his eyes. I still cannot believe that after thousands of years of living in this world, we have not found a cure for a horse’s broken leg. I went to so many vets, hoping one of them would say something different, but every single one told me the same thing. The situation was terrible and I had to let go of hope completely.

At first I thought maybe if he stayed still and I took care of him constantly, we could manage something. But watching him suffer day by day made me realize how cruel that hope was. When I took him for euthanasia, he did not take his eyes off me, not even for a second. There was no complaint in his gaze, no anger, just helpless fear. He did not resist at all. It was as if he somehow understood what was happening and had already accepted it.

Seeing the strongest, most persistent creature I ever knew accept such an end so quietly… I do not know any words that can describe that feeling. I guess the tears I cried that day were the closest thing to a translation of what I felt. There is no point in reliving that day.

Ronin is slowly heading home. I noticed a bit of limping, but it is too early to assume anything. He always jumps around so much that falling is kind of normal for him. This might be just another one of those times. I do not know why I suddenly felt something was wrong. Let him rest. He will be fine.

Going to him now will only scare him. If he sees me worried, he will think something serious happened and panic. If I see things getting worse, then I will think of something. There is no need to prepare myself for the worst right away.

Ah Ronin, maybe you are not as strong or enduring as Joseph, but when it comes to stubbornness, you are definitely not behind him. And in mischief, I doubt any horse could compete with you. Yes, absolutely. You will be fine. I know it. You still have many problems to cause me in the future. This is nothing.

I love both you and Joseph in different ways. Joseph was more like a friend because we were around the same age when we met. We grew up together. We experienced every bitter and sweet part of life together. Because of that, I always knew he could handle anything, whether literally or metaphorically. Maybe that is why losing him was so painful. I did not expect it. A creature that had always resisted everything like a solid rock suddenly became weak and fragile. It destroys all of your beliefs and expectations.

Maybe that is why I get scared so easily with Ronin now. I have learned how a body can break and how real death is. Joseph could be a friend to me, but Ronin was like a child. I remember the day I found him. He was so small and clueless, spinning around on his own. When I called him, he hesitated at first, but that hesitation lasted only a few minutes. How can someone trust a human that quickly, Ronin?

He was always pure hearted, but never a coward. I remember every stage of his growth, but no matter how big or small he was, I never saw him afraid of anything. Maybe Joseph taught him well, but I think Joseph also learned a lot from him. I only saw that sadness in Joseph’s eyes when Ronin was not around. That alone explains a lot.

It is not hard to understand how losing a friend hurts a person deeply. I learned that quickly. But thinking about how losing a child must feel… I cannot even imagine it. Whatever. I am doing that thing again, preparing myself for the worst for no reason.

I should go do some work. Maybe it will distract me. Then I will come back and check on him. I am sure everything will be fine and I will relax.

The sky is already getting dark. Why has he not gotten up yet? At this time of day, he would usually be outside already. He would play with the other animals, drink water, come to me sometimes. He is not the type to sleep this long. Maybe he needed extra rest because of the pain. That is normal. Still, I should go check, just in case.

I will get up slowly. Wait. The door moved. There he is. Ronin. It is him.

Why do I always get nervous for nothing? Everything is fine.

But wait. Why is he moving so slowly? His leg… no. This is not normal limping. This is something else entirely.

Damn it. No, no, no. This cannot be happening again. He is barely putting any weight on his left leg. His whole body tilts to one side with every step. Exactly like Joseph. Even his breathing is the same. He breathes through his nose, but with so much strain that it sounds like he is trying to push his lungs out of his chest.

What do I do? What can I do? I do not know. Maybe I am jumping to conclusions. I hope I am.

He still has not noticed me. Maybe that is why he is limping openly. I am scared to go to him. If I approach him, he will force himself to act strong and hurt himself even more. If he really has what I think he has, putting weight on that leg will cause unbearable pain.

Maybe I should wait a bit. Perhaps he is still half asleep. If I go now while I am panicking, I might scare him even more. He is such a smart horse. He reads my emotions easily and reacts immediately. I do not know. I wish I were as brave as they are.

Joseph faced the worst pain a horse can feel, and even then, until his final moment, I never saw fear break his courage. At least I think I did not. I do not know how he acted when he was alone. Maybe he was terrified. That would be normal. Which of us knows how to behave when we feel death nearby?

Maybe instead of fearing it, he felt grateful for the life he had. I do not know. That is a more positive thought, but still worth thinking about.

What I know for sure is that I was terrified to lose him. And I am feeling the same fear now. Even stronger, because this time I know what comes next. It might sound selfish, but maybe watching someone you love die is even more frightening than understanding your own death. The one who dies does not have to live with the emptiness they leave behind. That burden is reserved for us. Maybe that is unfair. Maybe they also mourn themselves in their final moments. I do not know.

All I know is that it is one of the heaviest feelings a person can experience.

I have been standing here frozen for too long. I am talking about difficult feelings while leaving that poor child alone in his own fear. How stupid of me. As if ignoring it will change anything. I should be with him. If we face this together, maybe it will be easier for both of us. I am still standing here thinking.

Enough. I am coming, Ronin. Just endure a little more. Please.

Part III

Damn it. My leg is killing me already. But there is no stopping now, Jack has to see everything. Yes, there you are, finally I see you. Wait for me, I am getting to you, look at the state I have been in for hours and you did not even care. Yes, now you see it, right? Come a bit closer, wait, I am almost there. One moment, why are you not surprised? You are actually walking toward me, I thought you were simply passing by. Jack… your eyes… I remember this look. How could I forget, you looked at Joseph the same way, Jack. No… how did you understand it this quickly? Do not tell me you have known for a while. Do not tell me all the effort I put into hiding this pain was for nothing. But wait, that is not even the issue here. Jack, why are you looking at me like that, with that fear and sadness in your face… Do not tell me the thing I feared is real. Damn it. Are you going to do to me what you did to Joseph? Please, no, I do not want that.

Yes, Ronin, I know, my friend, I know. Up close, your leg looks even worse. I should have come earlier, I am such an idiot. Why did you stop, Ronin, why are you looking at me like that? My worry must be showing that clearly, right? You are too smart for your own good, I wish you were not, maybe things would be easier now. That look… you look so much like Joseph. I never noticed it before, I even thought that other than both being horses, the two of you had nothing in common. Wait, I am coming, my friend, you do not have to stay alone anymore. No, you do not have to move, do not put more weight on your leg. Of course you will not stay still, what was I thinking. You understand me so well that sometimes I forget that you cannot actually understand my words. Alright then, come on, I am almost there.

Jack, Jack, forgive me, I thought you had forgotten me, but now I understand. Do not worry, I am fine, nothing happened to me, look, I can still walk. I am not like Joseph, Jack, I am fine, do not worry. Do not look at my leg, there is no need, I am fine.

Ah Ronin, what is happening, why are you suddenly restless? Do not be afraid, my friend, do not be afraid, just let me look at your leg. Yes, calm down, there is nothing wrong, let me look. Just like that, good. Oh no… I was not mistaken. His leg is badly broken. How can you even walk like this, this pain is impossible to endure. I can read it on your face, little one. Poor boy, how have you endured this much pain?

The situation is bad, right Jack? This is the first time I have seen you try to stop me, but you are right, I am tired. Very tired. When I do not move my leg, it feels like a huge weight is lifted off me. I wish you had stopped me earlier, why did I even torture myself this much. It hurts, it still hurts, this cursed leg, it hurts so much. Did Joseph feel the same, Jack? I wish you could understand my questions, maybe that would calm me. Help me, Jack, I do not know what to do.

I understand you, Ronin, I understand. I cannot imagine your pain, but I can understand what you feel. Do not worry, you will not stay with this pain for long. I cannot repeat the mistake I made with Joseph. Of course I am tearing up, how could I stop myself.

You are crying, Jack? You are crying. Forgive me, Jack, I could not stay strong, I could not endure like Joseph. You always treated me well, but now I am disappointing you.

Forgive me, Ronin, I could not protect you. After losing Joseph, I should have been more careful, but I never expected this. You have always been a good horse to me, but I failed you.

Jack… Joseph is dead, right? He did not disappear, he died. How did I not understand this sooner, only now everything becomes clear. Your sadness back then, your silence, everything. Now it all falls into place. And now I am making you live the same thing again. I will die too, right? I wish you could answer me, Jack.

Ah Ronin, how am I supposed to send you to your death? We lived so much together, so many beautiful memories. They will stay with me, Ronin, just like the memories with Joseph stayed with me. You may not be here anymore, but everything about you will stay with me. Maybe that means nothing to you, but it is the only thing that keeps me standing. Come here, let me hold you, Ronin.

Jack? You are hugging me, Jack? You never liked hugging, Jack. I guess this is your way of saying yes to my question. I understand. So my story ends here. Ah, what can I even do now? There is no point in fear anymore. Maybe when Joseph said that a good sleep solves everything, this is not what he meant, but I remember he once said that dying is just like sleeping. So I will try to be brave like him. My story may have ended quickly, but because I lived this story together with you, I can feel at peace. Thank you for everything, Jack, for always taking good care of me, for never leaving me alone, for making me feel loved. Yes, Jack, thank you for everything.

Ah Ronin, my boy, thank you for everything, for never leaving me alone, for never hurting me, for being the smartest and softest hearted creature I have ever known. I love you, Ronin, even if you will not be here anymore, I will continue loving you. Thank you for everything, Ronin.

If I were born again, I would choose you as my father again, Jack. Thank you so much.